Friday, April 29, 2011

More lady magazines? Yes.

Well I heard Cosmo's 50 ways to seduce your man in 5 seconds was hilarious, but I couldn't find it anywhere in it's entirety.

So here it is in it's entirety.

1. I had just bought this new perfume. I gave my guy a whiff, then challenged him to find the patch of my body where I had spritzed it.

2. Ask him to bring you a towel after your shower, so he can see you naked, dripping, and flushed.

3. “You know those treats you used to find at the bottom of a cereal box? One morning, I hid the new finger vibrator I’d just gotten in my guy’s cereal for him to discover.”

4. “My fiancĂ© and I always run together, and one time on a quiet path, I told him to stop so I could tie my shoe. But when I kneeled down, I started giving him oral instead.”

5. Send him a naughty, fill-in-the-blank e-mail: “Tonight, I promise to _____ your ______ as soon as you walk in the door. Then I’ll give you a ______ for ______ minutes…” You see where we’re going with this, right?

answers: punch, dick, wedgie, many

6. “Wearing a tight tank and no bra, I jumped on the bed in front of my guy.”

7. Wake him up in the morning by sucking on his fingers as if it’s his penis.

8. When he’s on his way home from work, start giving yourself some solo pleasure and “accidentally” dial him up. All those breathy ooohs and ahhhs will be motivation for him to get to you in time to join in on the action.

9. “I live on the fifth floor of a building, and one night, I wore a short skirt and lacy underwear, and then I walked up the stairs ahead of my guy. He practically tackled me by the time we got to my apartment.”

10. Make your evening snack a Popsicle, and tease and lick it right in front of him.

11. Steal his phone, and quickly snap a pic of your cleavage or the inside of your thigh. When you see his jaw drop, you’ll know he’s stumbled upon it.

12. Reach under the table at dinner and lightly outline the shape of his package, looking him dead in the eye the whole time.

13. “I asked a guy to unzip me out of this little black dress. When he did, I let it drop to the ground to reveal I was wearing absolutely nothing underneath.”

14. Out at a noisy, crowded bar? Motion for him to come close so you can tell him something. Instead, send chills down his spine by licking his ear and blowing warm breath on the same spot.

15. “Before the guy I was hooking up with came over, I stripped the duvet and fluffy pillows off my bed and put together a makeshift bed on the floor of my den. When he arrived, I was lying in it, totally naked.”

16. If you get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, strip off all your clothes before sliding back into bed. There’s a good chance you’ll wake up to him pawing at you.

17. “I got caught in a rainstorm on my way home. A block before my place, I took off my coat so my white tee would be soaked. My boyfriend was very happy to see me.”

18. Take the sexy-girl-next-door fantasy to a whole new level by meeting him at the front door wearing nothing but a pair of pigtails and his favorite baseball hat.

19. Slip an X-rated doodle – like a couple getting it on doggie-style – into his coat pocket. To make your intentions crystal clear, title it “What I Can’t Wait to Do Tonight.”

20. My boyfriend goes crazy over this one thong I have. Occasionally, I’ll wear low riding pants and let it peek out.

21. “One morning, I served my guy breakfast in bed, but told him he would only eat it off my body.”

22. When you come back from the gym, walk right up to him and say, “The whole time I was on the treadmill, all I was thinking about was how much I wanted to go down on you.”

23. “I switched out our usual opaque shower curtain for a clear one. My guy walked in to find me soaping up my boobs and grinning at him. He hopped right in.”

24. Scoop an ice cube out of his drink, and drop it down your blouse… then lean back and tell him to find it.

25. “My boyfriend and I were waiting in this crazy-long line at the DMV. To kill time, we started playing hangman. The phrase I had in mind was “I’m horny.” When he finally figured it out, we got the hell out of there.”

26. Strip off your work clothes, but leave on your high heels as you walk around the room, tidying up, taking off your jewelry, making him drool, etc.

27. “On our way home from visiting his parents, I told my boyfriend to plug an address into the GPS. He kept asking me where we were going, so finally I told him it was the location of a sex-toy store. Knowing that I had planned this in advance – and had been sitting at his parents’ place thinking about it for hours – totally turned him on.”

28. Hand-wash your tiniest lingerie, and hang it up around your house to dry… and drive him wild with lust.

29. Hide your turned-on vibrator in his sock drawer. When he figures out where the buzzing is coming from, tell him he gets to experience its pleasure power.

30. “I asked my husband to grab something out of my purse, knowing he would find the dirty book – and especially hot scene that I’d dog-eared – stashed in there.”

31. “Once, I snuck into the dressing room at a store with my guy, threw him up against the wall, and kissed him. We went home and had sex immediately.”

32. Slip into one of his oversize button-downs – and nothing else – before snuggling on the couch with him. Lie on your side with your head pointing away from him, so that when he looks over, he catches an up-shirt view of, well, everything.

33. “My friends and I signed up for a pole-dancing class. I told my boyfriend I was just going out for drinks with the girls, and when I came home, I revealed where I had really been and showed him the sexy routine they’d taught us.”

34. After a workout, come home and peel off your clothes in front of him.

35. “The guy I was dating was writing a midterm paper. When he got up from his laptop, I inserted the words Let’s bleep. He met me in the bedroom ASAP.

36. While you’re out running mundane errands together, graze your butt past his package discreetly but very purposefully.

37. “I’m really forward when I’m in the mood, and I’m known to just grab my guy’s hand, place it between my legs, and give him a look. He loves how bold I am.”

38. “Drop” your purse by his feet in the middle of a crowded store. When you stand up from retrieving it, run your fingers the whole way up his leg and over his crotch.

39. “I usually start off my day with five or ten minutes of yoga. Sometimes, I do it naked, so my guy wakes up to find me in some compromising positions.”

40. Sit on his lap at a party. Then, subtly shift your weight back and forth over his package until he’s good and riled up. No one will know but the two of you.

41. Label areas of the house where you two have never gotten busy with creative titles like The Doggie-Style Den or The Oral Corner. Tell him the goal for the night is to move from station to station until the whole place is christened.

42. “I came to bed holding a wooden spatula in my hand. When my guy asked what the hell I was doing, I told him that I had been a bad girl and needed a spanking. I thought his eyes were going to bulge out of his head.”

43. “My fiancĂ© and I trade off cleaning duties every month. When it was my turn, I put on a slutty maid costume, walked in front of him, bent over, and started dusting.”

44. Send him a naughty sext when you’re sitting right next to each other in a movie theater or when you’re out to dinner with friends.

45. Stare longingly at his package for a few seconds.

46. “I always tell my boyfriend that if I had a stripper song, it would be ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me.’ Every now and then, I’ll make sure it’s playing when he comes home. It’s like our personal sex signal, and he knows he’s in for a good night whenever that happens.”

47. Walk up to him, slap a pair of handcuffs on his wrists, and tell him he’s your sex slave for the night.

48. Pull your underwear aside, and tell him you want him inside you, like, yesterday.

49. Orchestrate your own private peep show: Ask your guy to come around to your side of the car to help you out. When he does, have your dress or skirt hiked way up so that when you step out, he sees that you are most definitely going commando for the evening.

50. “On my husband’s birthday last year, I made him a cake and wrote ‘Happy Birthday! Do anything you want to me tonight’ in bright pink frosting.”

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